You know when you find a good book and you can’t put it down? You get lost in the characters and you live vicariously through them. You turn each page with anticipation and as you approach the end of the story you already begin to feel a loss, because this time and experience you lived with the characters will be over.
Sometimes it is a happy ending, even through many trials, love wins out.
Sometimes the story didn’t end the way you hoped.
Then as you close the book, you reflect on the story. There were the pivotal moments in the story and you wonder what if they would have….
I remember the childhood books where you could choose your own ending. Do you remember them? ‘If you want the character to go to the store turn to page 39, or if you want the character to go to the park turn to page 25.’ I loved those stories. I would go back and forth choosing different endings.
Some times life is like a book. Each season is a new chapter and things change as quick as you can turn the page. Sometimes the change is good and sometimes it is… well, let’s just say, not the ending you would have chose.
The story has been written and you find yourself thinking about it. You remember the little things, the things you wish you would have paid more attention to and savored longer. Like the look he had in his eyes when he smiled at you, the comfort you felt when his hand touched your shoulder, or how you walked in sync when you took walks together. Even the silly things, like when you would beat him at chess, although it was only one time out of twenty, it was still worth a victory dance.
You remember how much of a couple you were. How when you would go into a store without the other the clerk would ask where he/she was. The neighbor stopping you for prayer for her granddaughter and you both joined hands with her and prayed, then rejoicing together when the report came back she was doing better. And how everywhere you went together people would notice you, they would say what a beautiful couple you were together. It felt good, right.
But then one day you are making a certain dish for dinner and you cry, because you miss making dinner together. You grab the brown sugar ( a secret you stole from him) and the movie reel plays in your mind of memories watching him make the biggest mess in the kitchen to make a delicious meal. And sadness begins to engulf you, because the reality starts to really hit home… you will never again clean his mess in the kitchen.
The grief comes and goes in waves. As much as you hate the feelings grief brings you and you pray for it to finally end, you also feel a twinge of sorrow knowing even the grief will end and then there will be nothing left of what/who you held so dear.
It is a process, I suppose. Missing him, hating him, loving him, missing him, anger, sadness, missing him, fear, betrayal, rejection, missing him. It can be confusing. All of the what if’s. What if I would have turned to page 39 instead of page 25.
Grief of loss of a relationship is similar to the mourning of a death. In a way, it is a death you are mourning. It is the death of a dream, expectations, promises, a future with that person. But, remember, it is not the death of you. You are still you and there is life after a break up.
It may not feel like it now, but you will love again and you will be loved.
Do not hold onto regrets. Do not be ashamed of what you are feeling. You do not even have to be embarrassed if you still love him/her after this. You do have to love yourself. Care enough for yourself to allow the healing to your heart and soul to come. It will come.
You are not alone in this. Psalm 34:18 says, The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent.
This too shall pass. When you have closed the last page, lift your eyes, look up, lay the book down and step into a new season of your life. Welcome the story God is writing with you, because His promise to you is He is with you to the end, He will never leave you, and you are always His Beautiful Beloved.
Be Free & Stay Free