His Beloved

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I read a blog today… her heart was broken. She so eloquently articulated her vulnerability…

Right now, at this very moment, there are people crying, feeling alone and so small. It makes me sad, because I have experienced that deep grief before, I think we all have.

If you are feeling that way now, as if your world has came crashing down on you and it hurts to breathe and the thought of repeating this all over again tomorrow makes you want to go to sleep and stay asleep… can I say something to you?

You are beautiful! You are still the you you were before your heart broke. I know you look around and everything seems so dark right now, but trust me, the sun will shine again. Don’t beat yourself up, allow yourself to grieve, but don’t stay there. Don’t shut yourself off from the people who care about you.

Take a deep breath, yes, that’s it… now breathe.

You are not alone. You are not invisible. You are not unlovable. You will love again and you will be loved. But first, love yourself, enjoy yourself, appreciate the very unique wonderful you that you are. I know you don’t feel like it now, but you will. One moment, one hour, one day at a time.

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There is one thing I know for certain, there is a true Lover of your soul and He calls you beloved. His love is the staying kind, the forever kind, the never leave you kind…

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

Be Free & Stay Free

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What’s the Name of Your Trojan Horse?

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I watched Troy this evening, the one with Brad Pit. The scene with the Trojan Horse comes on, my niece is asking a hundred questions, so I narrated what was happening. As I narrated it became more of a spiritual narration than about the movie.

Troy was a strong fortress, protected by a wall the enemy (the Greeks) could not penetrate. In order for the enemy to defeat Troy, they would have to get inside the city. But how?

The Greeks came up with a clever plan… “build a huge wooden horse, put our best warriors inside the horse, then Troy will carry us into the city, beyond the wall, unaware. Then when they fall asleep we will jump out of the horse and take the city.”

So, believing the Greeks gave up, Troy brought the horse into the gates… with much fan fare I might add. One man speaks up and says, “No! Do not bring the horse into our city. Burn it!” But the horse was such a prize, it was their plunder.

I am sure you know the rest of the story. Troy fell asleep, the warriors slid out of the horse, opened the gates from the inside to let the rest of the Greeks in and they burned the city down.

I am thinking about what kind of Trojan Horses do I have? What have I allowed to enter in, only to slumber, and then the enemy snuck in.

The word tells us to be ever watchful, the enemy prowls around like a lion, seeking to destroy us. As long as we remain in Him, as long as we stay in His refuge, we are safe. But if we let our guard down, if we become complacent, arrogant, lazy, side tracked, distracted… then the enemy will find his way in.

Obviously if Troy knew the enemy was inside the horse they would not have brought it into the city, they would have burned it down immediately. But they got swept up in the awe of such a massive thing. They did not see the danger. They didn’t even question it. They ignored the one voice that said, “geesh guys, I don’t know, this just doesn’t seem right.”

We clean our house, we tell the intruder he has too take his filthy shoes and leave, because he is tracking up our clean floor. So he leaves. But then he remembers what a great time he had at your house You were the perfect host and so very accommodating. He comes back to your house, sees how nicely kept it is, how clean it is, and he decides he is going to throw a party, in your house and at your expense. He sends party invites out to seven of his friends and they all gather for the party, but they have to be clever about getting inside. They know you wont “just let them in.”

So they build a Trojan Horse…. maybe your Trojan Horse is called wrong relationship, adultery, sex, pornography, addiction, unforgiveness, pride, envy, dishonesty, lust, wounds…. Whatever your horse is called, you must take care, be sure your house is fortified.

Do not give the enemy a chance to wreak havoc on your soul. Listen to the Voice that tells you, “this is not right, he is not the one, you must forgive, etc… Whatever your struggle is, whatever temptation placed before you, do NOT fall for the shiny thing!  It is a trap!

Resist the devil and he will flee.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the [consistently] righteous man [upright and in right standing with God] runs into it and is safe, high [above evil] and strong. Proverbs 18:10

Be Free & Stay Free

He Thought He Was the Shizzit

Ever wonder how you ended up in such a confusing relationship? Is it leaving you feeling torn down, beat up, and exhausted? Don’t ignore the quiet voice.

I Am Not leah

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How did I get so deceived? I am an intelligent woman. I know the Word, I have a personal relationship with Jesus. I should have known better.

“You are too hard on yourself” a friend told me.

I have to take responsibility for my actions too. It would be quite easy to just point fingers at him and say it was all his fault. Honestly, I believe the breakdown of our relationship was his fault. But the results of the fall out, the injury to my soul, I can’t blame him for that, that part was my fault. I saw the red flags, I ignored them, I justified them, I excused them. I heard God warn me and tell me no, but I had to have it my way.

You see, he was everything I thought I wanted.

I met him online, a Christian dating site (fair warning, not everyone…

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When the Glass Slipper Breaks

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You know when you find a good book and you can’t put it down? You get lost in the characters and you live vicariously through them. You turn each page with anticipation and as you approach the end of the story you already begin to feel a loss, because this time and experience you lived with the characters will be over.

Sometimes it is a happy ending, even through many trials, love wins out.

Sometimes the story didn’t end the way you hoped.

Then as you close the book, you reflect on the story. There were the pivotal moments in the story and you wonder what if they would have….

I remember the childhood books where you could choose your own ending. Do you remember them? ‘If you want the character to go to the store turn to page 39, or if you want the character to go to the park turn to page 25.’ I loved those stories. I would go back and forth choosing different endings.

Some times life is like a book. Each season is a new chapter and things change as quick as you can turn the page. Sometimes the change is good and sometimes it is… well, let’s just say, not the ending you would have chose.

The story has been written and you find yourself thinking about it. You remember the little things, the things you wish you would have paid more attention to and savored longer. Like the look he had in his eyes when he smiled at you, the comfort you felt when his hand touched your shoulder, or how you walked in sync when you took walks together. Even the silly things, like when you would beat him at chess, although it was only one time out of twenty, it was still worth a victory dance.

You remember how much of a couple you were. How when you would go into a store without the other the clerk would ask where he/she was. The neighbor stopping you for prayer for her granddaughter and you both joined hands with her and prayed, then rejoicing together when the report came back she was doing better. And how everywhere you went together people would notice you, they would say what a beautiful couple you were together. It felt good, right.

But then one day you are making a certain dish for dinner and you cry, because you miss making dinner together. You grab the brown sugar ( a secret you stole from him) and the movie reel plays in your mind of memories watching him make the biggest mess in the kitchen to make a delicious meal. And sadness begins to engulf you, because the reality starts to really hit home… you will never again clean his mess in the kitchen.

The grief comes and goes in waves. As much as you hate the feelings grief brings you and you pray for it to finally end, you also feel a twinge of sorrow knowing even the grief will end and then there will be nothing left of what/who you held so dear.

It is a process, I suppose. Missing him, hating him, loving him, missing him, anger, sadness, missing him, fear, betrayal, rejection, missing him. It can be confusing. All of the what if’s. What if I would have turned to page 39 instead of page 25.

Grief of loss of a relationship is similar to the mourning of a death. In a way, it is a death you are mourning. It is the death of a dream, expectations, promises, a future with that person. But, remember, it is not the death of you. You are still you and there is life after a break up.

It may not feel like it now, but you will love again and you will be loved.

Do not hold onto regrets. Do not be ashamed of what you are feeling. You do not even have to be embarrassed if you still love him/her after this. You do have to love yourself. Care enough for yourself to allow the healing to your heart and soul to come. It will come.

Click Here for 5 Stages of Grieving a Break-Up

You are not alone in this. Psalm 34:18 says, The Lord is close to those who are of a broken heart and saves such as are crushed with sorrow for sin and are humbly and thoroughly penitent.

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This too shall pass. When you have closed the last page, lift your eyes, look up, lay the book down and step into a new season of your life. Welcome the story God is writing with you, because His promise to you is He is with you to the end, He will never leave you, and you are always His Beautiful Beloved.

Be Free & Stay Free

Real Love

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If we have not experienced the unconditional love and affection of our fathers while growing up, we may find ourselves in toxic relationships; or unsatisfying, at the most.

As little girls we yearn to be loved and protected by our fathers. If that need was not met we become women who will accept anyone (or anything) who will offer to fill that need. Often, what they offer is a counterfeit and before we realize it we are sucked into another relationship that heaps coals onto our fire of doubt, insecurity, fear and self-hatred.

This is not an issue of intelligence, but a matter of the heart.

A wounded heart that is unable to self love will struggle with boundaries. Our mind may know that a person is not right for us, but our emotional need to fill a void will tolerate almost anything.

Do you find history repeating itself? Are you giving more to a relationship than you are receiving? Is your fear of being alone greater than your courage to walk away?

I have heard women say “love has eluded me.” Honestly, I admit, that I too have echoed these words. I have wondered if would ever experience love and I have found myself settling. It is not a good feeling, is it? What I have learned, and am still learning, is no man can fill this void. No man was meant to fill the void.

When we have not experienced the love of our fathers, we have no standard to measure the love of a man. Without this, we set our standards low, and because we do not value ourselves, we find ourselves with men who devalue us. We fall in love too easy and we are crushed when it is not reciprocated. We unfairly,demand that a man love and value us, when we can’t even love or value ourselves.

We mask our insecurities with false independence. We brush off assaults and “act” strong. We cry, we become bitter, untrusting, and then we hop into another relationship. With each new relationship we have hopes and illusion that ‘this time he is the one’. We ignore red flags, we stifle our fears, we act on impulse, and we become foolish women.

Do not awaken love until the time is right – Song of Solomon 2:7

When is the time right? You will know you are ready for love when you have first fallen in love with yourself. To love yourself you must first meet the true love of your Father. I am not talking about your earthly father. I am talking about your Heavenly Father. Your real Father who you can cry out to as ‘Abba, Father’ (Galatians 4:6) He is not a man sitting in the clouds somewhere and unapproachable. He is with you right now and He cares for you.

We must first know who He is and who He created us to be. We must accept His unconditional love and receive His affections toward us.

Dear woman, you are His creation, His daughter. He does not love as man does, His love is flawless. He is faithful. He is strong. He is patient. He is kind and He sees you as beautiful and worthy.

Cultivate your relationship with Jesus before you attempt a relationship with a man. Until you  trust Him and fully understand how much He adores you,  you will continue in one empty relationship after another.

You are so worth it! You are beautiful! You are the precious daughter of the King, take your position.

Be Free & Stay Free!

The Dangerous Man

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I bet when you read the title to this post you thought it was going to be about a man who was blatantly dangerous, with a wicked temper and is violent? Of course, a man like that is dangerous, but I am referring to a more dangerous man; the sweet Mr. Wonderful.


Mr. Wonderful comes in and sweeps you off your feet. He is fine; eye candy for you. His words are smooth and he has taken such an interest in you. He is charming. He is hard working, so fun, funny, confident, sexy, cares for the people in his life (you know this because he has told you) and he says he has fallen in love with you.


You can hardly believe it. You feel wonderful when you are with him. You feel beautiful, desired and validated. You open yourself up to him. You have given him your trust and your heart.


He doesn’t want to be without you. You find yourself spending all of your free time together and when you aren’t together you are constantly texting each other and calling each other. He has become number one in your life. You find yourself not minding when you change your plans to be with him. You even begin to stop seeing your friends and family to be with him. You begin to stop doing the things that you once enjoyed, this is your sacrifice to your relationship and you do it willingly.


Suddenly you become a different person. You are no longer you and the people who know you do not even recognize you anymore. You may even feel a sting of offense when your friends suggest that something is not quite right here. You wish your friends could see how wonderful he is, but they haven’t been able to meet him, because he has such plans for you, there is never an opportune time for them to meet him.

As your relationship progresses, your communications with your friends and family become almost non-existent. You do miss them and when you voice this to Mr Wonderful he says that “They should understand that you are in a relationship now.” What he says does make sense, a little, but still…


You begin to see red flags, but you quickly dismiss them, because you hold onto the way he made you feel. You don’t seem to see that what you thought you had is no longer there. You dismiss the warning signs. After all, he is just busy, he is tired, he fell asleep early and didn’t hear the phone ring, he can’t go out with you because he has things to do…

You begin to feel insecure in the relationship. You don’t want to believe the worse, but still you can’t shake the foreboding. You ask him if everything is OK, he is quite offended that you just don’t understand him. You try to talk, but he talks louder and seems to have more to say. You look at him and you do not see the man that you thought he was. He is a stranger to you now.


But, the sex is great. Oh, the way he holds you makes you feel so good. He looks at you and tells you he loves you and you believe him, because you want to. After a while, the sex is not even that good anymore. What you once thought was making love is now leaving you feel empty.


You have reached the point where you are no longer thinking clearly. You are ashamed because you thought you were better than this. Your thoughts have become obsessed, because rather than face reality, you cling to the fantasy of who you wanted him to be.


You wish you were stronger so that you could walk away, you wish things could go back to the way they were. You question where you went wrong, but you know deep inside the problem with him is not you.


My dear, sweet, sister, does this sound familiar?


Are you in a relationship like this now? Are you just coming out of a relationship like this? Are you still wounded from Mr Wonderful? Are you still holding onto something that you know you should let go of?


Mr. Wonderful is a dangerous man. He is poison to you. Let him go!

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I know this easier said than done. Trust me, my sister, I know the feelings of a broken heart. But, it can be done, you can walk away, you can heal and the pieces of your heart can be put back together. The journey to healing may be painful, but in the end it will be worth it. You are worth it.


There are steps you must take to this healing and I encourage you to determine in your heart that you will do this. I also encourage you to surround yourself with people who care about you to help you through this. Friends that you can turn to when you have those moments of weakness that will not judge you, but will love you through the storm of emotions.


First things first:

  • Throw away all of the reminders. Go through your house and collect all of his things, every love note, picture, card, gift, clothes, everything and throw it in a box and then throw it away. You must rid yourself of everything that will remind you of him in the future.
  • Delete all of his text and emails. Delete his phone number. Block his number so that he can not contact you, EVER.
  • Tell your friends that it is over and you do not want them to ever mention his name
  • Do NOT, and I repeat, do NOT contact him. You, for sure, will have moments that you want to hear his voice, because at first he is still on that imaginary pedestal, RESIST the temptation. You do not need to contact him to tell him you will no longer be contacting him, trust me, he will figure it out. You do not need to tell him to never contact you again, because you have already blocked him.

Next:

  • Surround yourself with people who care about you
  • Do the things that you once enjoyed
  • Begin a new hobby
  • Get outside!

Don’t:

  • Numb your pain with alcohol or drugs or any other unhealthy behavior
  • Watch “chic flicks”
  • Listen to mainstream love songs
  • Date. Give yourself time to heal
  • Dwell on thoughts of him

Do:

  • Get rest
  • Eat healthy
  • Exercise, it releases the endorphins that will help you to feel better
  • Develop back up thoughts to think about when he enters your mind
  • Remind yourself that you are worth so much more


You will get through this. Trust me. Do not try to go it alone.


MOST IMPORTANT:


Turn to Jesus, my friend. He cares for you. He understands. Do not be afraid to take this to Him. Beloved, Mr Wonderful was not the only one to blame, you also partook of things that as a daughter of a King you should not have. Sexual relations with this man has caused a soul tie and it must be broken. How do we break a soul tie? First, we have to admit that there is one.


I know our culture is OK with sex outside of marriage. This way of thinking, sadly, is even in the church. We rationalize that when two people love each other and are committed to each other and are in an exclusive relationship, then “making love” is OK. Beloved, there is a reason why this is not OK in the sight of the Lord. It is for our protection.


No matter how we sugar coat it, sex outside of marriage is fornication and fornicators do not inherit eternal life.


If you have had sex with this man, go to God, who is faithful and just to forgive us and confess it as sin. Then leave it there. Beloved, He wants your healing more than you do. He alone is the one who can heal you and His healing is complete. There is no wholeness without the healing of our Savior.


Spend time in His presence.


Isn’t it odd that when we meet someone and fall in love that we find it so easy to spend all of our time with him? When we aren’t with him physically, then we are with him emotionally and in our thoughts. Should we offer anything less to the One who loves us most? If we claim to love Jesus, then we must surrender our hearts and our bodies to Him. His love never fails.


Psalm 91 says “He (she) that dwells in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress; my God; in Him will I trust.”


I am not suggesting that this will be easy. But I am saying, that when you have come through this, you will be stronger; if your strength is in Jesus.


Do not look at your experience with Mr. Wonderful as a waste. Though it would have been better if you had not had to go through that, but you did. So look at it as a learning experience and you are better for it.


Prayer: Jesus, thank you for your unfailing love and your help in our time of need. Thank you for your healing and your forgiveness. I consecrate myself to you and I ask that you search those secret places in me and shine your light of truth. Heal me and create in me a new heart and renew my spirit. Shield me from the enemy. Thank you, Jesus, for all that you have done and all that you continue to do. I trust you to heal me.

Be Free & Stay Free

So… you want true intimacy?

God has created sex between a husband and wife to be pleasurable. To be an act of worship and submission to one another. This is an adoration that is pleasing to God. This is a deep recognition of the gift that God has placed before you, the gift of a lifetime love and lover.

There is a time and a season for all things.

Courtship is ministry to the heart. If God is the center of your relationship, this will be a time when your heart can safely open without fear. This is a time to establish trust and friendship with the one that could possibly be your spouse. This is when the foundation is laid. Without this foundation, when the storms come your house will be destroyed if all you have based your affections on is the lusty desires and immediate, but temporary, satisfactions.

Intercourse causes soul ties. This is why you are tore apart after a break-up when you have been physically intimate with someone outside of marriage, because you have given that special gift away to someone who has not made the commitment to love you forever and to forsake all others.

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Sex outside of marriage leads to distrust. Can you truly trust someone who has given themselves to you? If that person claims to love you, yet will not wait until marriage, can you truly trust them to have the self control and integrity it will take to maintain a marriage when adversity comes?

The value and integrity of marriage has been compromised in our society. You see it in the movies, hear it in music lyrics, read it in print, and yes…. you may even see it in the church.

The truth of the matter is this; God did not create us to be alone. He created us for fellowship and relationships, first to Him and then to our spouse. This is why woman was created. In all of His beautiful creation, and He saw that is was good, He knew that man can not be alone. We were created in His image and He is a God of intimate relationship.

He created woman from the rib of man, flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone, so that we can truly be one. This does not mean that woman is below man, or even to be above man, but we are to be his helpmate. We have been created with intentional purpose.

Have you ever put something together and afterwards found that you have extra screws left? Yes? Assuming all of the tools and parts needed were there, nothing more, nothing less, and you are left with some extra screws in your hand, you can know that somewhere something is missing. Sure, you may have put whatever it is together, but it is not going to be sturdy or as strong as it could have been had everything been in place. This is the same in marriage. Can we truly reach our fullest potential if we are not rightly joined?

We make excuses. We deceive ourselves. We say, “but we love each other so what does it matter?” or “We are friends with benefits and this will not hurt me.” My dear sister, it does matter and it will hurt you. It will destroy you.

After the newness of the relationship, after you have given him all that you have, when the relationship ends, he will take a piece of you with him. He will move onto someone else, you will move onto someone else and the cycle will continue. Before you realize it, you will find that you have given so many pieces of yourself away to others, that when you do meet that someone that is suppose to be your forever someone, you will have nothing left to give him. Chances are, you will not even recognize him or appreciate him, because you will be so scarred and blinded by your past, that your past will destroy your future.

You will not recognize him because he will not speak the same language as the men of your past. He will not offer to tarnish you with his touch that he is withholding for his wife. Because you have let other men “validate” you through sex, only to tear you down, you will not recognize the true intimacy that he offers. You will feel uncomfortable with it. Because he will not stroke your sexual ego. He will tell you that you are beautiful, but you won’t be able to hear it, because when other men have said that to you, they were looking only at your outward appearance. This man will acknowledge  your physical beauty, but he will recognize and desire the true beauty that does not come from the outward appearance.

This man will want your heart and to give you his. But, such a gift can not be cradled with dirty hands.

I say this not to condemn you or to destroy hope. I say this so that we, as women, can really take an inventory and know where we are lacking. To know our motives and our desires. To fully understand our callings and learn what we must do to walk in the integrity that our calling and our namesake demands.

If you have been and/or are in a relationship where you have compromised, recognize it for what it is. Sin. You cannot sugar coat it or excuse it, it is what it is. It is death.

I encourage you, get your heart right with God. Submit yourself to Him and let Him complete the work that He has begun in you. This is the only way you will ever be able to experience the true intimacy that He desires you to have.

When you have done this, set yourself apart for God (not from God) and allowed Him to heal you, then when that righteous man enters your life, you will recognize him and he will give you his heart and be worthy to receive yours.

If you want true intimacy, then I submit to you… abstain from physical intimacy.

“…do not awaken love until the time is right.” Song of Solomon 2:7

Be Free & Stay Free