At the risk of being vulnerable and judged, I am going to share something personal and trust God will use this part of my testimony to help someone; even if it is only one person. I have always tried to be true and honest with my writing. My heart is to reach and minister to the lost and hurting; but to be completely honest we must share our testimony and not be afraid or ashamed. When we can be open, transparent, and fearless, then we know we have been healed.
I am in a group of wonderful ladies from all walks of life. Everyday I read their posts, some make me laugh, some I cry, and some I learn from. The other day a woman posted requesting prayer for her daughter as she was having a rainbow baby.
A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. … A rainbow baby brings light but by no means replaces the angel baby. (kickscount.org)
Suddenly, without warning, I felt a knot in my stomach and a grief. This caught me off guard. The realization hit me; I have four (grown) children and three of them were rainbow babies. Every other pregnancy I had ended in miscarriage.
With the exception of one (I had a friend come alongside me), I grieved alone and silently for each. I was pregnant and then suddenly I wasn’t. I was carrying a baby and then suddenly I wasn’t. It was surreal. I mean, what do you do with a miscarriage? You never held the baby in your arms, you don’t even know if it was a boy or girl, so the baby has no name. For everyone else the child never existed, but for a mother carrying the baby in her womb, no matter how short, there can be no denial a life was lost.
This is where I am going to be real with you. In addition to the sadness of losing a baby, I also had guilt. I suppose in a way I didn’t feel I had a right to grieve and I probably deserved what happened. Maybe this is why I grieved alone, because I didn’t want anyone else to know why I felt so guilty and condemned.
I married my first husband very young and was a young mother. After my first baby was born, we found out I was pregnant again. My husband didn’t want another baby, things were not going well between us, I was young, he and his family were in the medical profession, so I believed them when they told me “it” was not a baby and I should have an abortion. I was young, I didn’t know Jesus at the time, and even though it did not sit right with me…
“Pro-choice” (and I use that term loosely) people will tell you the life inside you is not a baby; in fact “it’s” not even life. They will paint the picture of just a “blood clot” to help you make the decision to have an abortion. After all, we are a modern day society and women have “choices/options” now.
I remember sitting in Planned Parenthood waiting for them to call my name. I was alone. Apparently the pregnancy was so insignificant that (my then) husband would not even go with me. There were other young girls in the waiting room, some alone, some with a boyfriend, and it almost seemed as though we were waiting at a dentist office to get a tooth pulled. Still, inside, my stomach was turning, it didn’t seem right. I wanted to run out of there, but my husband…
So I allowed myself to believe “it” wasn’t a baby. I pushed it out of my mind. I blocked any feelings. But, privately, I felt… sad.
After this I had three more babies; beautiful and healthy daughters. In between each baby after my first, I had a miscarriage. I never really felt I had a right to grieve because of what I had done. I felt it was a rightful and deserving punishment for me. How could I possibly have a right to grieve when I participated in the death of the baby I was suppose to protect?
You see, I have shoved this so far down and denied it for too long. I never allowed myself to feel any kind of grief or loss, because I was afraid. I was scared of my feelings, regret, and truth. I was ashamed.
Why after all this time was I hit with this? It does debunk the myth that women who choose abortion will heal and will not have any residual emotions, doesn’t it?
Perhaps this is Gods way of saying to me, now is the time to share my testimony and receive complete healing. Healing is not only for the physical, it is emotional and spiritual. When we allow God to come in, He wants to heal us completely.
What I did not know then (30 years ago), I do know now; and that is Jesus came to set us free!
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
This I can say confidently, it is well with my soul. I know when I get to heaven I will see my babies who have grown up before the Lord.
If I could do it all over again, of course I would choose differently, but God knows.
My dear friend, does this speak to you? Perhaps right now you are facing some tough choices. Can I tell you, a pregnancy may not have been wanted or planned, but there is no baby that is a mistake. We may sin, but a baby is not the sin, a baby is a blessing. You have other options besides abortion. Choose life! If you are not in a position, or want to be a mother right now, please know there are people out there who can and want to provide a loving home for your baby and support for you.
Every life is precious. Jesus has this to say about you and about your baby…
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [and approved of you as My chosen instrument], and before you were born I consecrated you [to Myself as My own];
I have appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5
If you have already traveled the dark path of abortion, there is still hope. There is forgiveness and healing in Jesus. You do not have to hide from Him. Come to Him and let Him cleanse you and make you new. You have not committed the unpardonable sin. Healing comes with repentance, my friend.
If you are struggling and you feel alone please reach out. There are Pregnancy Support Centers across our nation with wonderful loving people who want to help you. They will come along side you and walk the journey of life with you.
A baby is a blessing. Choose life.
Be Free & Stay Free